26 January 2010

Brain Dump

Why can't you just accept that you're okay at it? But I'm not. Not even okay? Surely you would say you're okay? I suppose so. I just feel that I could do better. Of course you could do better. Every day I decide I'll do better and then something happens and I don't do better. I annoy myself. But at least you try. I know. I wish someone could wave a magic wand and make it happen. What's the point of that? YOU need to put in the effort. Oh God I'm so lazy. No you're not lazy, you're just tired. It takes a lot of energy to run round after two toddlers. I am physically tired, but the mental tiredness is the killer. You don't want to go back to work though? No, I don't. I do love staying at home, but it's the same old same old that makes me weary. Bored? No, I'm not bored. I'm mentally stimulated by writing. I'm just fed up of the same battles every day. Why does it take so long to do anything? I've had to start to threaten to leave Presley at home if he doesn't come here NOW with Cash's shoe. I don't want to mentally scar him or upset him, but it's tedious. You need to change. I know. You can't expect to do the same thing each time and hope for a different outcome. Change what you do. Make getting ready to go out into a game. I try to make everything fun. Perhaps we need a new song. Yes, that would do it. Ah, but I'm still not a good enough mother. Oh woe is me. *sigh*. What would make you think that you were a good mother? Getting everyone dressed and out of the door by 10am? No, of course not, that's ridiculous. What about them eating everything you cook, would that make you a good mother? No, not really. Well, what then? Kisses and cuddles and calls for Mummy when they fall over or have a bad dream. Running over to give me a hug. Feeding me sweetcorn. Laughing. So you're a good mother then. On that basis I suppose so. But everyone loves their mum, even if they're a crap mum. Oh shut up!

This post was written for the Sleep is for the weak writing workshop. This week I chose writing prompt no.3 What have the voices in your head been saying lately?



  1. No doubt this is an honest braindump - I feel the same way..even down to the sweetcorn!

  2. Honest, lovely and vulnerable. And frankly what goes through my head most days. Good on you for putting it down x

  3. Brilliant. And it sounds just like the internal monologue of most mums I am sure.

    I am glad you decided to post it, makes me feel less alone.

  4. Sandy - what a beautiful and honest post. And we all feel that way at times; particularly the part about fighting the same battles every day. Just remember - these seem to be the hardest years and it will get easier (and yet more challenging) the bigger they get and the battles will change. We all worry that we aren't being the best moms we can be - but I've discovered that because I do worry about that means I am being the best I can - because that means I still care.

  5. Just want to echo what the other commenters have said - you are not alone in this monologue! I add in to that feeling guilty about wanting to go to work...

    From what I've read, you're a good mum ;-) I hope I measure up as well!

  6. Great post! Thanks for sharing these thoughts which so many of us can relate to. And I am sure you are a terrific mum x

  7. Oh I'm a terrible mother, if you want to feel better come over here!!! My eldest once made up a song containing only the word "bollocks". Hmmm

    Mel xxx

  8. The ones that aren't good are the ones that aren't honest kidding themselves and others that they're perfect etc...Most of us ( The good ones) question whether we're doing the best job. To say it's not hard is an injustice to 'the job'. And it does get terribly boring at times. I wonder now what I used to do all day when the older ones were born. No mobile, no computer...sometimes no car. You're doing a great job. x

  9. I'm glad you did post this in the end. Does it help to know that I feel exactly the same on an almost daily basis?

  10. What you said. What you said EXACTLY.

    You are not alone my dear, not for one second xx

  11. Great read. I was not nearly brave enough to reveal the voices in my head!

  12. The Moiderer, I just wrote the first thing that came into my head. I hope you like sweetcorn :-)

    Liz, thank you x

    It's a Mummy's Life, aw, thank you. I didn't think I was alone in this! x

    Kelly, thank you. I think if you doubt yourself it means you care x

    Gigi, aw thank you. I actually feel like this most of the time. I know deep down that I'm not a bad mother, but I just wish I could be better! x

  13. Bumbling Along, thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one. Mothers' Guilt is huge, no matter what choices you make. I wonder whether my boys would be better off socialising with other children at nursery! I hope I'm a good mum and I'm sure you are too x

    Photopuddle, hello and thank you. That's a lovely thing to say. :-)

    Mel, that made me laugh out loud! You must be so proud *wipes away a tear* x

    Nova, you are absolutely right. I guess some have it easier than others. I think before computers we had television!! x

  14. Victoria, yes, it does. Thank you. I think we should start PMA studies. We've all got far too much negative in our brains - more than I realised!

    Josie, thank you. I suspected I wasn't alone x

    Hearth Mother, thank you. It is quite scary, but I found it enormously therapeutic. Perhaps you could try writing something without publishing it? :-)


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