16 June 2010

Would you tell me?

Would you want to know if you had made someone feel unwelcome?

I know I can be crass and insensitive at times. I frequently only open my mouth to change feet. Occasionally I feel so upset and angry that I speak out, enraged by injustice or bullying. Mostly, though, I'm mild-mannered and avoid confrontation.

I think I'm pretty consistent both online and in real life. I'm sensitive, perhaps too sensitive. I take things to heart far too readily. Despite my apparent confidence, I'm a delicate little flower.

Missed opportunities eat away at me, niggling and nagging. I lay awake at night thinking of what I should have said, but didn't. I replay conversations and kick myself at the points where I made an idiot of myself, where I gushed, where I over-shared or where I filled the silence with noise.

What I struggle with, above all of this, is that I only want to be accepted or liked or part of a group. When I feel that I am on the periphery or only being tolerated or being excluded I want to curl up in a ball and disappear. When I feel uncertain about my relationship with someone, because sometimes typed words lose their meaning or because sometimes they are very clear, I want to switch off my computer and walk away and keep on walking.

I hope I've never made anyone else feel like that. If I have, would you tell me? 

This post has been written as part of the Sleep is for the Weak Writing Workshop. This week I chose prompt no.4 Tell us about a time when you didn't feel welcome.




  1. There seems to be some unrest in the blogging world at large at the moment and it has all pretty much passed me by, but I would tell someone and would expect the same in return. It is the only way to change

  2. Yes I would tell you, but I can not imagine for a moment that you would make anyone feel like that. Take care, Mich x

  3. The Mad House, yes, there has - although this wasn't the reason for the post, it was more a general discussion on feeling unwelcome. I really don't understand why people can't live and let live. I recently told someone that they had upset me. They didn't do it intentionally, they said sorry, we're friends and there are no hard feelings. You're right, this is the only way.

    Mich, I wouldn't do it intentionally, but sometimes it's easy to say the wrong thing! x

  4. I know what you mean - especially in the online world it is very easy for your words to be mis-interpreted. I too don't understand people who can't live and let live - drives me nuts.

  5. I know what you mean. I have felt unwelcome many times, but I try not to take it to heart because there must be a reason behind it.


  6. There are a lot of similar posts about how words are perceived at the moment - the problem is with the written word is that there is no physical gesture or tone of voice, therefore it is easily misinterpreted.

    I *could* say what I think about people reading stuff on the internet but that is a whole blog post and I'm bound to tread on some toes.

    The thing is, though - if one person has been affected by your (general "your" - not you personally) words then you (again, general) should be prepared that their response (if written) may not be interpreted as *they* meant.

    Does that make sense? I prefer a face-to-face disagreement any day of the week ;) :D

  7. I would tell you, but I could never imagine you making someone feel unwelcome. I can imagine someone else may make you feel this way. I too am very sensitive but that is how we are made all different. Great post. x

  8. I can't imagine you would ever make anyone feel unwelcome, nor upset anyone with any of your lovely posts. Sadly, we can't please all of the people all of the time, and sometimes the written word can be misinterpreted, but only by those already feeling ready to be needled perhaps?

  9. You'd never do that Sandy!

    I did this prompt too. Doesn't everyone have a different take even on the same topic?

  10. You have NEVER made me feel like that. But your post definitely resonates. Even with people who I feel like I know really well, I agonise over things I've said, have I been too pushy, too sarcastic, too much? Maybe it's just part of being human.

  11. I feel that way too. I often stay up replaying stupid things I've said and feeling horrible about it.
    I love your post - it describes me too, much better than I could have.

  12. Oh gosh, I'm so like you. I hate that feeling of being on the periphery, not really being included. And I too stay awake at night replaying things in my head. You don't seem like the type of person to make anyone feel unwelcome.

  13. I could have written this post. It's why I feel so guilty if I feel I've hurt someone, however unintentionally. I hate feeling that someone (including an entire nation!) doesn't like me. I think we're all much more vulnerable than we might come across over the ether... In answer to your question though, no, I think before yesterday, I probably woudln't have told you. Like you, I'm totally non-confrontational, so I'd have said nothing, and festered. Which doesn't get anyone anywhere, other than to make me miserable. Which is a long-winded way of saying that I think you did absolutely the right thing in saying that you were hurt. I'd much rather know than not know. So in future. Yes. I would tell. xxx

  14. Oh ditto ditto ditto. I find this much more the case at work than in personal life, I angst over having to ask someone to do something and avoid confrontation at any cost. It keeps me awake at night because, really, I just want people to like me and not think I'm an arse. I find it way easier online, it gives me confidence as it's not face to face.

    Would I tell you? Yes I think I would as I feel written words offer me more protection than the spoken ones. Can I EVER imagine you making me feel unwelcome? Never.

  15. I have felt like this. It's such a horrible feeling.

    And no my lovely, you have never come close to making me feel unwelcome. Far, far from it. you are one of the most genuine, lovely people I have met in this here ol' bloggosphere.

    Much love x

  16. You strike me as one of the most sincere, most genuine people I have come across in this online community. Like you, I am pretty non-confrontational and would have to be really, really riled or upset to say anything but I also would prefer someone telling me face to face things than bitching behind people's backs. It's a funny old world - online and off sometimes.

  17. Gigi, the world would be a more pleasant place if more people could live and let live! x

    Mel, you poor thing, I can't imagine what you could have done x

    Nickie, you're absolutely right. I think you should write that post, I'd be interested to read it. I'm not very good at confrontation, especially face to face. I try to stay away from it! x

    Susan, thank you. I do worry that I've ignored the odd tweet, something like that! x

    Diney, ooh, you're spot on. Sometimes it doesn't take much to set some people off!! x

  18. Gaelikaa, I'd hope not. Your post just shows how mean people can be x

    Victoria, I think it just means that you are a caring, considerate person x

    The Working Housewife, thank you, I think we all must do it. Silly really, we can't turn back time! x

    Nappy Valley Housewife, I really hate not knowing what's gong on, that sort of exclusion really bugs me! I wouldn't intentionally make anyone feel unwelcome, but it's possible I could be thoughtless x

    Plan B, I feel like a weight has been lifted that we were able to sort things out and I'm so glad I told you how I felt (although I really should have just sent you an email). Our little misunderstanding was sorted out straight away and I feel like I'm making a good friend. x

  19. Scribbling Mum, I used to feel like that at work, but I found you can still be nice to people and tell them straight what you would like them to do. You can tell me if this doesn't work! ;-) x

    Josie, it's a horrible feeling and sadly all too common. People can be quite thoughtless - even me ;-) Much love to you too and thank you x

    Deer Baby, I really wasn't fishing for compliments, but I'll take them if they're on offer. Thank you :-) I would rather someone told me straight if they had a problem with me, much better than bitching. It is a funny old world! x

  20. I could have written this (only probably not so well). I lie awake torturing myself over things I've said, too-loud laughs at the wrong moment, stupid comments I've made, things I haven't said. Hideous, isn't it?

    I seem to live in a little bubble - every so often something happens in the blog world and I miss it completely!

  21. If we all gently told people that had upset us that they had instead of letting it fester and rot inside, the world would be a better place i think.

    Hope you're okay xx

  22. Rachael, the thing is, and I need to remind myself of this, is no one gives your too loud laugh a second thought. Why do we lose sleep over these things?! x

    Heather, how true. I am okay, thank you x


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