7 November 2010

I'm Scared

I wrote this study of grief for my monthly creative writing group. The prompt was 'scary'. I expect they were expecting ghost stories, ready for Halloween. Grief does scare me because it's immeasurable.

I’m scared.

I’m scared I’ll lose my way and not be able to get back. 

I haven’t enough mental crumbs to leave as a trail and you can’t tie a piece of string to the grieving process.

What if I stray from the well worn path of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance?

It is entirely likely I’ll get lost in the depression stage and that’s no use to anyone.

If I reach the point of no return, will I even know?

Better to keep my grief tucked away where it can hide and lurk and fester. I ease the pressure occasionally, when it’s safe. I’ll weep a little at a soppy advert on the television or allow a few fat tears to fall down my happy face when someone has a baby.

Sometimes I forget it’s there, briefly, until a snippet of a song hits me like a truck. I crumple when I remember you are gone.

I’m scared if I start crying I won’t stop.

I’m scared I have no tears.

I’m scared I have already accepted your death and I have nowhere to go.




  1. Very powerful Sandy, its great x

  2. This is beautiful and I think captures the feelings of many people when it comes to grief. I know that I could relate to almost all the things you said. A wonderfully written piece xxx

  3. Oh Sandy. It's hard. I know what you mean about letting the pressure off when you feel safe. I think of it sometimes as a water faucet or like bleeding a radiator. If you don't let it out sometimes, the pressure builds up. (may be mixing my metaphors there!).

    Hugs to you. Sure your tutor thought it a great piece of writing and was relieved it wasn't yet another ghost story for them to read.

  4. I released the pressure in the car daily, singing along to Carole King - Crying in the Rain. It helped. Think in some ways I'm still in shock/denial 18 months on though.

  5. Flippin 'eck I know exactly what you mean! 17 years after my Dad died and I'm still a hard faced bitch about it because I know that if I give in and grieve I'll never be able to stop the tears! Sending you big hugs xx

  6. Sometimes I feel this about life fullstop

  7. Amazing post well done Sandy although from the way it is written I guess it flowed out and I cant imagine you wrote this without tears. x

  8. Beautiful writing Sandy. Very moving. x

  9. I find this difficult to read and want to give you a cuddle, I *think* this is a good thing. Well done on capturing what so many people muct feel so eloquently and with so much dignity.

  10. New Mummy, thank you x

    Kerry, thank you x

    Deer Baby, I understood all the metaphors and I agree, you need to release the pressure every now and again x

    Liveotherwise, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm not sure now whether time is a great healer. We expect to feel better after x months or year, but the pain is still there x

    Emma, sending you big hugs back xxx

  11. The Mad House, a friend at my writing group said exactly the same thing x

    Naomi, you're right, it did flow - along with the tears x

    Hot Cross Mum, thank you x

    Linda, cuddles are definitely a good thing. Thank you for your kind words x


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