If You Could Give New Parents One Piece of Advice...

...what would it be?

My words of wisdom:

TEACH YOUR CHILDREN TO TIDY UP AFTER THEMSELVES

Seriously.

I don't care what you feed them, or how you feed them.

I don't care what time they go to bed, or whose bed they sleep in.

I don't care if you work inside the home, outside the home, or not at all.

I pass no judgement on your parenting.

BUT...

If I could offer new parents one piece of advice that will make their lives easier, and more pleasant in the long run, it would be to teach their children to tidy up after themselves.

Nobody told me that I should do this. They had plenty to say about birth, breastfeeding and sleeping, plenty to set me up to feel a failure as a new mother, but nothing that would improve my life.

I have failed at parenting. My house is tip. It is full-to-bursting. We can never find anything. The boys seem unable to play properly. Clothes are taken off and thrown on the floor. If I ask them to tidy, toys are kicked under the sofa. I despair.

So, new parents, save yourselves while there's still time.

Teach them to tidy.

I'M BEGGING YOU.

You'll thank me one day.

You're welcome.


Over to you. If you could give new parents once piece of advice, what would it be?




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If You Could Give New Parents One Piece of Advice...

World Book Day Roald Dahl Easy Fancy Dress Ideas

Image: The Book People

My heart sank when the World Book day letters arrived in the boys' book bags.

It's not that I don't like books. On the contrary, I love books. I'm always reading. It makes me happy to see the boys' reading improving rapidly as they make their way through Year 1.

World Book Day is all very well, but the focus is not where it should be, on the books themselves. The focus is on the costumes. The school tell you not to spend any money, but not all of us have a fully-stocked craft and costume cupboard. I don't really do sewing - my sewing machine hasn't made it out of the box yet - and I don't want to let my children down. Last week we had Victorian Day, this week it's World Book Day. There's always something. The school gate is swarming with stressed parents, wondering whether Polly's Disney Snow White costume will do.

There are ways to make it easy on yourself though. We've been working our way through the Roald Dahl collection at bedtime and there are plenty of characters that require only normal clothes and the odd prop to make them instantly recognisable. My boys, miraculously, both chose easy costumes.

George from George's Marvellous Medicine

5 year old Cash chose to be George from George's Marvellous Medicine. I remember Rik Mayall reading this on Jackanory in the 80's. George wears jeans and a red top. He just needs to carry a bottle of medicine and a spoon. For the medicine bottle I used an empty ginger beer bottle, took the label off and scratched off the logo on the lid. I attached a label with 'Grandma' written on it. I filled the bottle with a mixture of gravy and glitter, and screwed the lid on tightly.

Charlie from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

6 year old Presley chose to be Charlie from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Charlie wears old clothes, so we will dig out an old jumper and some of Cash's trousers for Presley to wear at half mast. He just needs to carry a Wonka bar containing a golden ticket. I bought a Wonka bar before I realised it's a Nestle product. Grrr. I took out the chocolate (to save it from melting in his hands) and replaced it with cardboard wrapped in tissue paper. My first attempt at a golden ticket left me crying with laughter and shame. Art is not my strong point...

Don't laugh.

Okay, you can laugh. After all, I think the 'Saw this on Pinterest... Nailed it' montages are the funniest thing on the internet.

Luckily my friend, Jennifer, suggested printing a ticket from the internet and attaching it to some gold card, and this saved the day.



Other super easy Roald Dahl costume ideas include:

Grandpa Joe

Pyjamas, and talc in the hair

Veruca Salt

Posh outfit and carry a Wonka bar and a golden ticket

Danny Champion of the World

Normal clothes and carry a bag of raisins

Matilda

Normal clothes and carry a book

The Twits

Stick on a dirty beard, borrow a walking stick

James and the Giant Peach

Normal clothes and carry toy insects. You could even push the boat out on this one and make a giant peach from cardboard.



Have you made an easy costume for World Book Day?

World Book Day Roald Dahl Easy Fancy Dress Ideas

I Just Want You to be Happy, Mummy

I was a new mother. It was all I had ever wanted. I had a tiny baby in my arms. I was trying to feed him, but he wasn't latching on properly. I was hot and tired and stressed and worried. He looked at me, his dark eyes trying to focus on his mummy. I realised my face showed all too clearly how I felt. I wasn't smiling at my darling baby. As I forced my face into a grin, tears made their way out.

I've now been a mother for fours years and seven months. My children are amazing, they bring me joy and still I forget to smile at them. 

I am tired and stressed and worried. My old back injury has flared up and I am in pain. My movements are limited. I can't pick up my boys. If I get down on the floor to play with them I struggle to get back up. I am worried about my mum's test results. I am worried about my friend who has cancer. I am worried that I have upset another friend. I am worried that whatever I say will make things worse. I just want to make things better. I never seem to have enough time to get done all that I want to do. I am easily distracted by the internet and can lose hours making sure I'm not missing anything. I'm not, but that doesn't ever stop me idly flicking between Twitter, Facebook and all my email accounts and Google Reader. My laptop is on it's last legs so I can't watch video or look at images. Even Pinterest makes my laptop to overheat and switch itself off.

Being a parent far exceeds any expectations I had about having children when I was pregnant for the first time. 

But.

There had to be a but. 

My goodness, it is hard work sometimes... most of the time.  My children are so full of energy I can't keep up. I know they need to run around outside, but just getting them dressed, getting their teeth clean, getting their shoes and coats on sometimes takes hours. They ignore me. They don't listen to me. They fight. They crayon on walls, chairs and computer screens. Okay, they did this once and I don't think they'll do it again, but still...

This gets me down. I shout at them, my dear sweet boys. I feel completely inadequate. I feel like everyone else is a better parent. 

When your four year old says 'I just want you to be happy, Mummy' and you realise you haven't been smiling at that beautiful face, that's when you fix a grin and resolve to be a better mother. Then you turn away and cry.

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I Just Want You to be Happy, Mummy

Things I have said to my children this weekend...

... at the pool

• Not boogies, boobies
• No, they haven't got any milk in them now
• Yes, I suppose they look a little bit like butternut squash
• Yes, I suppose Mummy has got a funny tummy
• Mummies and daddies have hair there
• You'll have some one day
• Do you need a poo?
• Yes, they've got toilets here
• Well done, darling
• Yes, you can see your poo in the loo, how funny
• They're magic taps
• Just put your hands under

... at the party

• People do gymnastics at the gymnasium
• It's a hall where people do gymnastics
• Forward rolls and jumping
• No, this isn't Eliot's house
• Okay, I'll give Eliot his present
• Take your boots and socks off x3
• Get down, wait until the man says you can climb that
• Lovely balancing
• What's the matter?
• Okay, Cash, you can sit with Mummy
• What's the matter?
• Okay, Presley, you can sit with Mummy too
• Do you want to join in yet? x7
• Wait your turn
• I'm watching
• Yes, I saw you
• What do you want to eat?
• You can't just have Hula Hoops for tea
• Yes, I'll put some on the shopping list
• You need a sandwich on that plate
• Put it back on your plate, you're having a sandwich
• Don't eat it then
• Leave it on your plate x2
• Ooh look, pudding
• One more biscuit
• Last one
• No, the last one was the last one
• Have you finished now? x2
• Everyone else has gone home
• Say thank you to Eliot's mummy for the Hula Hoops
• Put on your socks and boots x3

... at home

• No, we've run out of carrots
• Yes, I'll put them on the shopping list
• I think 5 Octonauts snowmen is enough
• There's not enough snow for Barnacles and Peso
• Would you like a hot chocolate when we go in?
• Okay, a warm chocolate?
• It's not too hot
• Blow on it
• Mummy blow on it too
• It's cold now
• You want it cold, like chocolate milkshake?
• Fine
• Leave it then
• Boys! x4
• Play nicely or Mummy will take it away
• Right
• Let's sit quietly for five minutes
• Snuggle up, Mummy's cold
• Shall we watch 'The Snowman'?
• I know, he melted
• Yes, your snowmen are melting now
• I am warm now, thank you

Things I have said to my children this weekend...

Santa's Sack of Potatoes

Presley and Cash want bikes for Christmas.

The last time we went to Lancashire they rode their friend Evie's bike and loved it. A few weeks ago we measured them up for bikes and told Santa which ones they wanted *touches nose mysteriously*.

They also want toys and games and cars and trains and sweeties and so on. They understand that Santa only brings you presents if you are very very good.

What we have also told them is that Santa also has a sack of potatoes. Every time you do anything naughty Santa takes one of your toys away and replaces it with a potato.

Presley and Cash do not want to get potatoes for Christmas, so they are on their best behaviour (mostly). It's hilarious to watch them remember about the potatoes and stop fighting over toys.

Some may say it's manipulative lying and the worst parenting technique ever, but some days you'll do or say anything for a bit of peace and quiet!

We are so tempted to wrap up a couple of spuds and put them in their stockings...

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For our other Christmas traditions head over to A Mother's Ramblings. Pippa kindly asked me to guest post for her. How could I refuse?!

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My inbox is littered with unread press releases, but one caught my eye today.

For the person who has everything, why not get them a virtual gift for Christmas? Take a look at More Than a Gift from the charity for the young homeless, Centrepoint.

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Merry Christmas x


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Santa's Sack of Potatoes

An Easy Christmas Card Design for a Child to Make

If your child wants to make Christmas cards and you need a little design inspiration, how about this Christmas tree card? It's easy to make, easy to replicate and you get to use up some of the billions of paintings that come home from nursery.

You will need:

• Blank cards (Hobbycraft do a pack of 50, with envelopes, in xmassy colours for £4.99).
• Scissors (we used fancy ones, but any will do).
• Glitter Glue (you need glue and the glitter version is nowhere near as messy as using real glitter).
• Christmas confetti or sequins.
• Paintings

Method:

• See if your child can cut out triangle shapes from their paintings. It's more effective if they use green.
• Glue three triangles on the card, one on top of the other, to make a tree.
• Go crazy with the glitter glue and sequins.

An Easy Christmas Card Design for a Child to Make

Cotton Wool

There's not enough cotton wool in the world to protect my children from the world.

I know this.

I also know that I should be preparing them for the world. I need to create a safe and loving environment that allows them the freedom to explore. One day, in the blinking of an eye, they will be grown ups. They will see or experience sex, bullying, love, death, hate, poverty, war, beauty, famine, rock music and alcohol. They will have their hearts broken and mine will break for them.

This is all way in the future, of course. Right now they are still my gentle little boys, aged 3 and 4. Their world is full of cuddles and toys. They play with crayons, cars, jigsaw puzzles, Orchard Toys games, hobby horses, Duplo, toy food and teddy bears in trolleys, train sets, Happyland figures and books. They watch an hour of CBeebies every day. They have never seen an advert (unless we're at Grandma and Grandad's and Sky Sports is on, then Grandma usually turns over and checks the cricket score), they have never seen the news. I won't even let them watch Cars2 as one of the characters is called 'McMissile'. They've never seen a gun.

They go to the nursery at a primary school every afternoon. I chat to the other mums about Christmas. They mention Ben 10 (not on CBeebies, no idea), Batman (er, Kapow! Thwak!) and Imaginext. I google Imaginext. There is a dinosaur, wearing armour, shooting missiles from its backpack. I don't like the look of it, but does it matter? I just don't know how to ease Presely and Cash into this world, with its hard edges and robot police.


When do I start to introduce the notion that some people aren't very nice? How do I burst their rosy, cosy bubble? Am I doing them a disservice by mollycoddling them?

Cotton Wool

Everything in Moderation

My children, looking a little like pigs at a trough, 'we're eating our dinner, mummy'.

My boys eat fairly well, but not as well as I would like. As with most aspects of parenting I'd give myself a could do better in the food department.

I recently attended two blogger events that made me think more about nutrition and the psychology of food. I hope both companies are happy with me discussing them together in one post, as they had a similar message. They also both gave me the opportunity to catch up with some blogging friends and give my children a day out.

The first event was at Kellogg's HQ in Manchester. They called the event 'Snap, Crackle and Blog' and they looked after us parenting bloggers and our children very well. We were given a goody bag, lunch and as many cereal bars as we could eat. My sons took advantage of this!

We even got a visit from some poor juniors dressed up in animal suits.

The other event was put on by Nutella. Again they provided excellent entertainment for the children. The venue was Stockley Farm in Cheshire. Presley and Cash LOVED the farm. 

There was so much to see and do, including real tractor rides, animals galore and an adventure playground. They even had the owl from The Gruffalo!

Again we were given a goody bag and had some bread and Nutella delivered to our homes.

At both events we had access to food psychologists and nutritionists who gave sensible unbiased advice about feeding your family. Eating together as a family is important, as is offering a variety of foods. I already knew this, but it was reassuring to have it confirmed.

Here we are cooking with celebrity chef, Alan Coxon (not pictured), at Nutella. 

I remember watching a television documentary called 'My Child Won't Eat'. As a parent I could see how the small concessions you make to keep the peace at the dinner table could lead to some extreme behaviour. One girl would only eat Wotsits and chocolate. Clearly this is not a healthy diet, but the doctor who was interviewed said that the most important thing is getting calories into a growing child.

This stuck with me.

The most important thing is to get calories into a growing child.

This was backed up by the shocking revelation by Kellogg's that millions of children regularly go to school without breakfast. When you weigh it up surely a bowl of Coco Pops with milk is better than going to school hungry?  If a scrape of Nutella on a piece of wholemeal toast is the only way your child will eat bread, then surely it is part of a healthy meal and a sensible choice.

I'm not spouting any of this because I was told it by Kellogg's and Nutella. I'm saying that everything in moderation is a sensible approach to eating. 

Andy and I offer our children a variety of foods and they choose whether or not to eat them. We try not to make a fuss at mealtimes. We encourage them to eat, we don't force them. We ask them to at least try everything on their plate. Foods are neither good nor bad. Some days Presley and Cash eat fruit until their chins are dripping with juice. Other days all they want is garlic bread and chocolate buttons. I don't mind so long at they are eating regularly and over a week they have a little bit of everything in moderation. I'm not saying that we get it right all the time, but we care and we try. 

There are children who are malnourished because their parents feed them according to their view of what is healthy - for an adult. These growing, developing children are given sugar-free, fat-free, 'health' food, but they're not getting enough calories.

This has turned into a rant. It wasn't meant to be. I guess I'm on the defensive because there are some who think that chocolate coated cereals and chocolate hazelnut spreads are evil, whereas I don't. 

When Presley was about two years old he refused to drink milk. He also decided he didn't like cheese so I was limited to giving him yoghurts for his daily dairy intake. One day I offered him some Coco Pops and showed him the magic of the milk turning chocolatey. He ate them and drank the 'chocolate milk'. Since then I have gradually reduced the amount of Coco Pops in his cereal bowl and topped it up with other (non-chocolate coated) cereals. Now he has plain whole milk on his cereal. Occasionally he asks for Coco Pops for breakfast, but mostly he doesn't.

Everything in moderation.

Oh and I always wanted my face on a Cornflakes packet!

You'd think I'd look happier about it!

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Everything in Moderation

Done

I look at my two perfect boys. I can't believe they're mine. I mean, where did they come from? How did we create these two amazing, adorable little people?

Before I had children I could take them or leave them. I couldn't understand what all the fuss was about. Now, of course I do.

Over the last few months Andy and I have been asking ourselves the question shall we have another baby?

I love tiny babies. My friend Amy is due to have her fifth baby next month, he's due on the same day as my sister in law's first baby. I'm sure I'll feel spectacularly broody when they arrive. There's no doubt that I'll cry when I hold those tiny snuffling bundles. I know I won't want to hand them back.

As lovely as new babies are, it's another child I want. In fact, I'd like more children. I'd quite like twins. Age just isn't on my side. You know how you set your own rules in life, such as always taking off your makeup, no matter how drunk tired you are? Well, one of my life rules was to not have a baby in my forties. Rules are made to be broken, they say, but maybe not in this case. I'm forty now and I don't want to push my luck.

So, is that it? Are we done?

It saddens me to say that yes, I think we are done. We'll stick with this winning hand, with our two darling sons.

I took Presley and Cash to visit Sally and Flea today. We walked to the park for a picnic. I left Cash in the buggy while we ate. Presley stuffed his face with sandwiches, pombears, grapes, yoghurt, Oreos and a smoothie. Anyone would have thought he hadn't eaten for a week! Cash was more restrained, but he had already hoovered up his own body weight in raisins at Sally's house (huge apologies for the mess on the rug).

Once we had finished eating I let the boys loose to run around. The park was gated and toddler-friendly, but I still needed eyes in the back of my head - and Sally's help - to keep up with Presley and Cash. Having two toddlers is hard work when I'm in the comfort of my own home, where I know they can't go anywhere. Out in public it was pretty tricky.

As I strapped Cash back in the buggy and fastened Presley's LittleLife backpack so that we could walk safely back to the car, it dawned on me that I wouldn't be able to cope with a baby as well. I'd struggle to leave the house.

I've got two hands, two arms, two knees and two children. I'm done.

Done

The Toddler Food Graph

I feel like I should be stood at the front of a training room with a pointy stick and an overhead projector.

Andy and I have often discussed the fact that the more effort I put into cooking meals for Presley and Cash, the less they eat. The opposite is also true. If I shove something from the freezer into the oven and onto a plate, they'll eat the lot!

For example the following meals are the most popular with the boys, yet they require little or no culinary effort on my part:

Pizza and sweetcorn

Fish fingers, chips and peas

Sausages, potato waffles and baked beans

(Shop bought) meat & potato pie and mixed veg

Whereas if I spend time cooking for them, from scratch, they usually turn their noses up. This includes:

Chicken casserole

Pasta bolognaise

House burgers

Fish Pie

There are of course exceptions that prove the rule. Anything that Grandma cooks is usually devoured greedily (casseroles especially), although I like to think that this is because we eat later round there and the boys are starving. Of course this actually does prove my rule as I spent no time cooking!

Another exception is that they like a roast dinner, which takes a bit of time to cook, but is also normally eaten by the whole family. If Daddy is eating it, it must be okay!

Does this graph apply to your family? Suggestions for recipes gratefully received!

The Toddler Food Graph