I love dragonflies. This is a fairly recent development.
When Presley was born he went straight to special care. The name label on his incubator was decorated with a dragonfly sticker. I now own many items with a dragonfly motif. Something bad will happen if I don't keep collecting dragonflies. It's his talisman. His animal spirit. What a load of nonsense. I don't really believe that, I'm just a sentimental soul who likes to shop.
I'm also strangely enjoying tapping away at my laptop right now. I haven't been able to write for a while. I've been very busy. It's not only that that has kept me away from my blog. I feel trapped by Google.
I order birthday presents for the boys, forgetting to use an incognito window, and I spent the next week hastily closing tabs when ads for those presents pop up. I look at a handbag, but it's too expensive. I see sense and decide not to buy it. I spend the next week being tormented by that bag on every website. Don't even get me started on how Facebook has changed so I can't see what I want to see, or the way no one talks on Twitter, only broadcasts, or how you're supposed to use 12 filters and 47 hashtags on Instagram. I've digressed. I'm sorry, but ARGH.
My Blogger blog is linked to G+ - I have no idea why, it's a colossal waste of time, but I've had 1.5m views, so I can't bin it, can I? G+ is linked to my Gmail account. I use my Gmail account for work, for school, for real life friends and acquaintances. I noticed recently that Google had started calling me Sandy Calico when I send an email. Now it's out there I can't force people to forget they ever saw that name. Now people I know through work, school and elsewhere all know about my blog. I'm assuming now that they all wondered who Sandy Calico was and Googled me. They know things about me that I wouldn't have necessarily shared with them in real life.
There is so much that I need to say. I need to dump some of the thoughts churning around in my mind. Some of them keep me awake at night. Some haunt me in the daytime. It would certainly help me, and I feel it may help others, if I write about my struggles with food, for instance, but how can I when I know who is reading? Everything is muddled, when it should be compartmentalised. I want all the people I know to stay in the little boxes I put them in. If I want to let someone out of their box, that should be my choice.
Imagine a Venn diagram of people who know me by my real name and people I don't mind knowing my pseudonym. It should be up to me to put them in the intersection.
I can't be bothered to start a new, anonymous blog. I don't have it in me to build up another 'brand'. Incidentally every blogger having to be their own brand and competing with each other has pretty much killed the blogging community (in my opinion). Now it's all about links and promotion, there's nothing natural or pure about it. Yes, I'm digressing. I'm not sorry about that.
I'd like to unravel the internet and start it again.
This is my space and I don't feel comfortable here anymore.
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What is the point of social media? Written in Jan 2012, it's still how I feel.
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Oh Sandy, I hate that the internet has complicated your life this way. I read so much now about people enjoying blogging less and less and this may be one of the reasons why... I cannot help but I send hugs x
ReplyDelete@Kelly, thank you. I'm sure it's a factor for a lot of people. It's a little too complicated x
DeleteI feel your pain, Sandy. If you have a gmail account it automatically links to Google+....and it's stupid. Lucky for me, my personal email isn't gmail - but the way the internet is going, I figure it's just a matter of time before people I don't want finding my blog, find it.
ReplyDelete@Gigi, I wish my personal email wasn't gmail now. I hope you feel comfortable in your space for a good while yet.
DeleteThose ads showing everything you've googled get me too, gah! It's all a bit too connected at times x
ReplyDelete@Stephanie, someone somewhere knows everything about me, right down to what I eat for breakfast. Big Brother is watching x
DeleteOh Sandy, this is what happened to me. I sent an email to my ex-husband and (unknown to me) it linked to my G+ account and he discovered my previously anonymous blog. Same thing happened with a colleague and soon, as google spread its tentacles of control, it was hard to keep the details private. It's not a good feeling, and I'm sorry you feel uncomfortable now. Perhaps with a little judicious editing you can remove stuff that is too private? But yes, I know, it stinks xx
ReplyDelete@Jean, oh no, I hadn't realised that was how you were unmasked. It stinks, it really does. I may go back and edit some posts, but I don't want to have to x
DeleteOh, so very much of this. I've run out of words at the moment, and am doing a lot of communicating in pictures. Doesn't feel quite so naked somehow.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'm not sure I know your real name. How odd. I like Sandy though.
@Jax, I totally get that, I may publish a few photos - keep my hand in. My real name is Sandy, it's the Calico bit that's not.
Deleteoh am laughing at myself so much...... remember when i told you your kids had the very coolest names and you told me they we re blog names and i thought sandy was you r name too and was always envious as wanted so much to be sandy in Grease. life my friend is TOO bloody complicated pah! lots of love Becky (real name) Hill x
ReplyDelete@Becky, ha, I thought I was being clever, but I know a few people felt let down that I didn't make it clear from the outset that the boys' names were pen names too. I really am Sandy though. People have been singing that Grease song to me for YEARS. They all think they're the first... x
DeleteDon't laugh too much but I only realised Sandy wasn't your real name about 6 months ago! I totally understand how you feel though. Google, and Facebook, seem to think that everyone is cool with being completely open about who they are to everyone. Really? Does no one in either of those big corporations have any secrets? Do they really broadcast everything to everyone? Do they not have exes or just people from their past they want to avoid? Sending you hugs xxx
ReplyDelete@Penny, what do you think my name is if it isn't Sandy? It is Sandy, honest (unless I type Snady). There's a big difference between being anonymous and being dishonest. Most people have the odd skeleton, surely? Thanks for the hugs x
DeleteYou will always be Sandy to me. I'm happy to know you through your blog. You have been a good friend to many people in this community. x
ReplyDelete@Sian, good, cos I am Sandy :) I am happy to tell my blogging friends my deepest darkest thoughts, because I know I will get support and understanding. They get it in a way that real people do not x
DeleteYes to so much of this. And more. It's a confusing time for us 'oldies'.
ReplyDelete@Kate, it is, it's confusing. I'm happy to admit I don't like change, especially when I can't see the benefits.
DeleteWait....your real name ISN'T Sandy???? Nooooooooo!
ReplyDeleteIt is Sandy xx
DeleteThere's me banging on about the demise of the blogging community and here you all are. Thank you. Your comments mean everything.
ReplyDeleteI guess I tend to err on the side of caution when it comes to letting it all hang out online.
ReplyDeleteI use our real names on the blog, so I am mindful that the boys may read what I wrote when they're older, along with their friends and such.
Should probably start the funds for therapy now huh? ;)
It didn't even enter my mind that Calico wasn't your real last name!
I've started blogging again recently, but that NEED, that urgency to get my thoughts into a blog post? It's missing. Too easy to tell all in social media instead of writing it out as a blog post and make up a graphic to go with it to publish it and then share it everywhere and find that no one really reads it anyway. >_<
I do miss how it was back when I first started back in 2007-8!
@Marilyn, that, of course, is another worry. There are posts on my blog that I don't really want them to read so I may simply delete them at some point. I haven't written their birth stories - much as I always wanted to - because I don't want them to know all the gory details.
DeleteAt least there are other outlets online where we can express ourselves without going to the trouble of a blog post :)
I hear you. I started a new blog and it was meant to be the 'real' me and part of it is but for some reason I still get caught up in the stats etc. I need to keep myself in check and blog my way. I feel so sad you feel this way.
ReplyDelete@Kizzy, it is what it is, I think I need to get over myself and just blog if I feel like it. Looking at stats only leads to trouble...
DeleteI can totally understand this.
ReplyDeleteI have to say I hate that I can't comment on Blogger blogs with my pseudonym, that it uses my real name.
I find it difficult to be as open as I want now I know that some of the local expats (and my parents/family) read my blog too, but I make myself be honest still, because it's important to me.
@Livi, I think you can still be honest but you don't have to tell everyone everything. I'm sorry you feel like this too.
DeleteI feel the same. I love my blog, and I love that I met so many wonderful friends like yourself along the way. You are and always will be special to me Sandy and were one of my first online friends, whom I've been luck to meet several times in real life. There seems so much pressure these days with blogs and all the new ones. I still and try to blog me. Harder as the kids get older and don't want to share too much. I am sure I talk to myself a lot of the time, which is fine too. I am always here for you lovely xx
ReplyDelete@Susan, I'm so glad we started blogging when we did because we were able to get to know each other before we actually met. I think people do read, but don't comment anymore. There are other ways to communicate now. Always here for you too x
DeleteGrrr I tried to comment from my phone yesterday and Google insisted on my password which of course I couldn't get right so gave up. I hear you loud and clear Sandy and I am having my own blogging evolution too, it's nice to hear others views, hugs as always Mari xxx
ReplyDelete@Mari, thanks for the hugs and for trying to comment x
DeleteAwww Sandy big hugs, and yes yes to all of this.
ReplyDeleteHello, lovely Jo, and thanks for the hugs x
DeleteThis, this and this SANDY :-)
ReplyDeleteI've 'known' you for a long time. The pre-everyone calling themselves a professional blogger but just being a blogger like we all have been for a long time revolution.
I still read the 'old' blogs because I am genuinely interested in seeing how people's kids have grown up and how their lives have changed. I can't stand the competitive link throwing and the constant self promotion. I totally agree, there is nothing authentic about it. So come over here for a girlie cuddle x
@Tara, a girlie cuddle is just what I need. I still read the old blogs too. Even though I don't chat to you all (this is the most I've been online for months), I know you're there and I care about you and your families too x
DeleteHang on, why am I a blacked out outline? Not happy with that at all *tries again*
ReplyDeleteYay, there I am :-)
ReplyDelete:)
DeleteHugs Sandy, I understand completely where you are coming from.
ReplyDeleteAs an aside, although we've met in real life, I don't know you very well but I knew that your surname and children's names were pen names and even if I hadn't, I wouldn't have felt in the least bit deceived :) In fact, I think we have done our children a favour for their futures in not using their real names. It is an awful shame though that Google, with it's claws, has spoilt the pseudonyms for so many writers. xx
@Ella, how lovely to hear from you. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but I am glad the boys are still anonymous. My 6yo saw himself online in a photograph taken at a football camp. He was over the moon. I could show him many pictures of the back of his head too... x
DeleteOh Sandy! you are one of the reasons i enjoy blogging so please do not ever stop!
ReplyDelete@Otilia, what a lovely thing to say. I won't stop, I'll just write about different things.
DeleteThis, a million times, this. My old faithful blog is looking very neglected at the moment - I've never used the children's names (and tie myself up in knots trying to explain which one I'm talking about when I do write about them!) and now that they are all older I really can't write about them without stepping on toes or holding things back. I miss the old sense of community, it was what drew me into blogging in the first place - that and the feeling that together we could achieve anything!
ReplyDelete@Chris, the old community is still there, but we talk elsewhere now. We still can achieve great things, look at the work you did with StC, look at Team Honk. I love it when you do blog, don't stop completely x
DeleteOh - I'm an anonymous head too!
ReplyDeleteBlimey - how old is that pic?!!!
ReplyDelete@Chris, an oldie but a goodie ;)
DeleteSandy, this is exactly why I haven't blogged much at all for the last 2+ years. I used to enjoy blogging and reading blogs and now it's like it's become this massive complicated game that I just don't have the time or desire to play.
ReplyDelete@Erin, I think we need to play by our own rules. I only shared this post on G+ (because it comes up when you publish on Blogger) and FB and look what happened.
DeleteI don't know why I'm faceless above - oh well.
ReplyDelete@Erin, there you are :)
Delete