The Top Five Regrets of the Dying

I read an article in the Guardian this morning, entitled Top Five Regrets of the Dying. It's not a new article, and I have heard the sentiments expressed before, but it has certainly made me think today.

The Five Regrets, collected from her patients by a palliative care nurse, are:
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

I can see that being true to yourself, expressing your feelings and allowing yourself to be happier are three sides to a triangle - they are all necessary. But how often do we compromise on one, or all, of these?

I am all things to all people. I act differently depending on the company and the situation. I'm a professional writer/blogger, a dutiful daughter, a loving wife, a caring mother and a good friend. I am afraid that if I expressed my real feelings all the time then my clients, mother, husband, children and friends wouldn't like or love me quite as much as they do. So how can I be true to myself?

On my old CV I had, under 'Strengths', communicates well at all levels. This is supposed to be a Good Thing, but am I not being authentic or true to myself if I modify my behaviour and speech depending on who I'm talking to? I want to fit in and please everyone, whether it's at a board meeting, in a shop or at the school gate. I sometimes wonder whether this shows weakness rather than strength of character.

If I'm not true to myself, how can I be present and honest with anyone else? I worry that I don't know how to be anything else.  I haven't always done the right thing, preferring to keep the peace over standing up for myself or others. These mistakes eat away at me. There are decisions I made that I regret right now - I'm not waiting until I'm on my death bed to feel like this. I regret more of the things that I have done, than the things I haven't.

Perhaps being honest with myself here (on the fourth anniversary of starting this blog) is how I start to turn this around. Maybe I'm being unnecessarily hard on myself and my character flaws. I know I'm not a bad person, I just need to let go of the past and move forward. I want to be authentic and happy, to have strength of character. I will cherish those friendships that I still have. To do this I need to take all of this negative baggage and lose it somewhere.

Would there be anything you would regret on your death bed? What can you do now to change that?

Between drafting this post and deciding to hit publish I visited my Google Reader.  One of my favourite people has written an awesome blog post that I have to share with you. Please do check out 33 Things I Have Learned by Kat at Housewife Confidential. You'll be glad you did. Promise.

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The Top Five Regrets of the Dying

Dear Sandy

Last year I wrote a letter to my 16 year old self. It was a wonderful way to recognise the poor decisions I had made in my life and to be kind and forgiving to my younger self.

It didn't do much to help me now though. My life is generally good, but it is not perfect. My husband and I had a state of the nation conversation last week. We talked about how we feel now and about what we would like to change.

We found it useful to look ahead, hoping that the future would hold long life and happiness for us and our children. We imagined ourselves at the end of our lives, with our children beside us and maybe grandchildren too.

We wanted to know what we needed do NOW to enable us to die happy. So we imagined being old and looking back over our lives to this point in time. What did we hope for ourselves, as we lay on our death-beds, and what could we change now to make that happen?

I decided to write this letter to me now, to gain some perspective on what is important and what is not.

Dear Sandy,

Your priorities are your husband and your children, everything else is a distraction. 

Remember to make time for you and Andy. Remember why you fell in love with this man, almost at first sight, maybe before. Spend time together as Andy and Sandy (yes, I know, we rhyme). Arrange dates and stick to them, even if the 'date' is a night in front of a DVD with a bottle of wine. Talk.

Appreciate your beautiful children while they are young. Remember that they are children and they will act like children. You can not control them, they are their own people. Try to keep your temper. If they smear yoghurt all over the table for the fiftieth day in a row, screaming and shouting isn't going to make any difference. Just clear it up, it doesn't matter.

Enjoy playing the same games over and over again. Read to them and sing and dance with them. Cuddle them more than you think is necessary now, when they are older they won't be quite so keen.

Allow them to make their own mistakes, but be there to help them pick up the pieces. Keep them safe, but let them flourish and grow. Prepare them for the world by teaching them manners, tolerance and compassion.

Be there for your friends. Nurture those relationships that make you happy. Make the effort to keep in touch with people who enrich your life, no matter how far away you all live. 

You can be viciously self-critical. There's no need to be so hard on yourself. Be kind to yourself. You can only do your best. You are loved.

Remember what you once heard: when you're in your twenties you care what people think of you. When you're in your forties you don't care what people think of you. When you're in your sixties you realise no one was thinking about you anyway.

When something or someone makes you unhappy you need to take a step back. Balance is everything. If you want to write fiction, just write. Don't make excuses. Turn off the internet.

Go outside more, walk and breathe in the fresh air. Practice yoga everyday. Smile more. Keep reading every day. Keep learning. Eat to live.

Do things that make you happy. 

Be happy.

Love, Sandy x

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Dear Sandy