If anyone had told me, before I got pregnant for the first time, that any of the following would happen to me I would not have believed them.
What you are about to read is true. Some of it is not for the faint-hearted.
1) When I was heavily pregnant with Presley I kept forgetting I was pregnant. I was proud of my parking ability. One day I squeezed the car into the last space in the car park at work. You can guess what happened next. I couldn't get out of the car! Red faced with shame I drove off and found somewhere else to
abandon park the car.
2) When I was in my third trimester of pregnancy with Cash, he liked to dance. I'm pretty sure he did the fandango every night whilst shaking maracas. He must have been somersaulting in my belly, so much so that Andy could feel the bed moving.
3) Just before Cash was born, as the exasperated midwife was trying to encourage me to push, I beckoned her over to make a confession. I told her that I couldn't push because I needed a poo. The midwife laughed, called me a comedian, told me the poo was my baby and took the gas and air off me. Cash was born a few minutes later. Not a poo.
4) I was sat in the hospital bathroom, four days after Presley was born. I heard dripping and assumed it was the shower. It was only when I looked down that I realised my milk had come in and was pouring onto the floor.
5) The first night at home with Presley was long and difficult. He was feeding constantly. Andy was being supportive. We were exhausted. For some unknown reason we laid Presley on a pillow between us in bed so we could lay down. When he finally slept we carried him and laid him in his carrycot - still on the pillow. What were we thinking? Do not try this at home!
6) I asked a complete stranger whether she would like to take a look at my nethers. She agreed. I laid down on the sofa. She had a good look. Luckily she was a midwife and she checked that my stitches were healing. No one was embarrassed.
7) I've flashed at my father in law, more than once. I didn't mind him being in the room when I was breastfeeding, after all I never wanted to shut myself away and miss anything. Now though it's a different story. I don't want him to see my boobs. Unfortunately Cash has other ideas and regularly pulls down my top. Just for a laugh. The herbert!
8) I can clean up snot, pee, poo and puke and no longer bat an eyelid. I can hold a sandwich in one had and wipe a nose with another. I'm immune to bodily fluids.
9) The Postman has watched through the kitchen window as I have performed the Makka Pakka dance for the boys, including the bum waggle. I no longer have any shame.
10) We all sit at the dining table for our Sunday dinner. Andy and I use our Rubik's Cube pepper mill. Presley and Cash hold a small (real) Rubik's Cube over their dinner and twist it. No, we don't think this is odd!
Photo credit - Firebox.com