24 May 2012

Why I'm glad I have sons


When I was pregnant, both times, I secretly wanted a boy. I'd have been thrilled to have daughters too, of course, but I really wanted sons. I've had a tough time being a woman. I've been better at my job than men, worked harder, but been paid less. I've been overlooked, particularly at work, and I've been ridiculed for having (large) breasts. Now, as a fat, frumpy, forty-something mother, I feel invisible.

The grass is always greener, but life seems altogether easier if you have a penis. You can pee anywhere, for a start.

I have two sons, Presley and Cash. They are aged four and three and are becoming aware that there are differences between boys and girls.

I am raising them to be civil children. I chose the word civil carefully. You can not be civil if you despise one half of the population. I am also raising my sons to be feminists, like their parents.

We're not nearly as extreme as some parents in our dislike of gender stereotyping. We currently have no gender confusion. They are boys. They love playing with cars, they love trains and dinosaurs, aliens and pirates. All pretty typical of boys their age. They also push their teddies around in pink pushchairs, wear hair clips and spend a lot of time colouring-in. They fight over who has the pink cup at breakfast time. They are still boys.

Recently they told us that they were playing a game at nursery and they wouldn't let the girls join in. When we asked why not, they couldn't answer. They've never watched Peppa Pig, but Cash told me 'only girls like Peppa Pig'. Again, he couldn't tell me why, he was simply observing or repeating something from nursery.

I am appalled in shops that there is such a pink/blue divide. Feminism has been around for decades, but the obsession with pink and princesses is escalating. What does that teach girls? Madonna summed it up for me on The Graham Norton Show. She said that even when we're strong, powerful grown-up women, we still have a nagging feeling in the back of our mind that our prince is out there, ready to rescue us. This is Madonna talking. Madonna.

The obsession with 'pinkification' continues as girls get older. As tweens and teenagers they're bombarded with passive female sexual images in magazines and music videos. Andy's friend has a daughter. On her 13th birthday a friend bought her a present in a Victoria's Secret bag. Her father felt nauseous as her friends chanted 'thong, thong, thong'. She's 13. The Playboy bunny is a huge brand, plastered all over pencil cases and other products aimed at young girls. Let's not even mention Primark and their hideous padded bikinis for seven year olds. Urgh.

Of course, it's not just girls this is aimed at. Our sons see this crap too.

I need to figure out how I'm going to counter this superficial nonsense and teach my sons to respect girls, even when girls don't appear to respect themselves.

I get it though, I really do. I know how girls feel. I remember being a teenager and wanting to look sexy, to get a boyfriend. Hey, I remember being single in my late twenties and I still didn't have much self-respect. I chased after 'bad boys'. Sure, they wanted to get into my pants, but they didn't want to be my boyfriend. I confused sex with love. I think Jerry Hall has a lot to answer for with her statement that 'a woman needs to be a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom'. No, Jerry, a woman needs to be loved and respected.

It's even worse now that the porno look seems to be so mainstream. The boob jobs, fake tan, ratty blonde extensions, plumped up lips and bald fannies. Yes, I'm looking at you Katie Price. These girls are in newspapers and magazines, and on television. You can't get away from them. Who is telling women they should look like dolls? My guess is there are a lot of men who hate women and some of them run the media. No matter how far feminism has come we're still being kept in our place by men who want to have sex with passive, pouting, bald-from-the-neck-down dolls. These men are suggesting to my sons that women are only worth shagging if they look - and act - a certain way.

Well, I am going to rage against this. I am going to teach my sons about equality. I'm going to teach my sons to respect men and women. I'm going to teach my sons to be civil. Once they are older we'll have the big awkward conversations about relationships and condoms. For now we're going to lead by example. They have loving, caring, feminist parents. They have strong grandmothers, one a fantastic matriarch. We are all civil.



Share/Save/Bookmark

17 comments:

  1. Couldn't agree more. I am happy to have a son who loves dolls. I think the pressure on young girls is awful. It irritates me that there is such a lack of females role models on children's tv. The girl characters often play second fiddle. Equally I hate all the nuisance/little monster/loud clothing for boys vs princess etc for girls. I could rant for hours. Great post Sandy - you rock!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gemma, that annoys me too. Look at Octonauts. They could have made at least one of the main three characters female. Ooh. I could rant for hours too *mutters something about WAGS*.

      Delete
  2. I do agree, but having a daughter like Fifi I sort of wish she was less down there with the boys. In terms of female role models there are actually quite a few if you know where to look. But then I did work in a make dominated profession and I have a daughter who refuses to brush her hair and wears an England football kit at any opportunity. Shes doing her bit for feminism, just when her mummy (who has 2 other boys) wanted to buy a tutu! ;) x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's just a shame we have to look so hard for those strong female role models, but I agree they are there.
      You know I think if I had a daughter I'd be sooo tempted to buy her a tutu too! x

      Delete
  3. Brilliant post Sandy. As the feminist mother of two daughters it's a pleasure to hear the mother of sons preparing them for a future where they can respect people for who they are rather than their gender. xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. NotSupermum, thank you :) I think it's really important that our sons and daughters understand how to treat people with respect. x

      Delete
  4. Brilliant post, I can't wait until fashion swings away from the revolting WAG/Lap dancer look. The porn industry is totally at the root of it - I recommend reading Living Dolls by Natasha Walter - it made me very relieved I'd had a son instead of a daughter but on the other hand, woke me up to how I have a responsibility to make sure he knew how to treat and view women when he was older. I am very relieved not to be a teenage girl these days!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Amazing post! Ive written about this lately. I think there's a few parent bloggers up in arms about this pinkification and toy divide.
    What shall we do about it!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. What a great post. I have two boys as you know and I too hate the whole boys stuff and girls stuff. I paint my boys toe nails, I let them play with dolls, they wear pink, in fact pink is my oldest's favourite colour. I want them to respect people. I want them to respect each other and it doesn't matter if you are a boy or a girl you should be treated equally and equally respected. x

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hear bleeding hear. There are so many things wrong with the way that girls and boys are portrayed in the media and even in the Early Learning Centre catalogue. And why is everything blue or pink? Why can't children like orange or green or purple? I could rant all day on this subject.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Well said - and as a mother of 3 boys I could not agree more! If we raise our boys to respect women then women have a fighting chance (so long as they learn to respect themselves).

    ReplyDelete
  9. Yep, I think I agree with everything here and I too am raising too feminist boys. I HATE the way teens look today. It makes me cringe, I want to tell them to get some respect for their bodies and not expose themselves like this. I agree that as women we need to learn self respect

    ReplyDelete
  10. Before my son was born, I thought I wouldn't know what to do with him...

    Then, of course, I fell in love.

    And realised that he liked dressing-up and dolls and Angelina Ballerina.

    Now, I revel in the chance to grow a good man.

    ReplyDelete
  11. It's one of the things that really riles me - there isn't girls' stuff and boys' stuff there is just stuff

    I am clinging onto the hope that the best role models are parents and that hopefully they can see our relationship and my career and realise that they don't just have to grow up to be barbies

    ReplyDelete
  12. As the mother of girl, I am trying to teach her that she is equal to boys and has the same opportunities and same ablities so it is refreshing to hear a mother doing the same with her boys.

    I sent my daughter to a co-ed school to mix with boys and I am apalled at how the PARENTS have divided the children by sex (boys invite only boys to their parties, girls invite only girls, etc). I'm also appalled at the mums who wait on their sons like servants complaining that "they won't even tidy their rooms, or put their pjs under their pillows" when the mum is clearly allowing their son to grow up to assume women will look after them and do everything for them!!

    Can you tell you hit a nerve here?!

    ReplyDelete
  13. hear hear lady! I've got 3 boys and I feel exactly the same! I love my boys and bring them up to respect woman and girls alike. Pink was the boys colour to begin with! It angers me that shops cater more for girls than boys! Fantastic post! xx

    ReplyDelete
  14. Lovely to read this, Sandy. I'm a feminist mother of two boys and two girls and like you, raising strong feminist children is the end goal for me. I don't ever want any of my children to face the discrimination I have as a woman and thus, the boys have to understand and recognise their privilege and how it impacts on women like their sisters.

    Interestingly, I blogged about the ELCs pink/blue divide a while ago and was getting 100% supportive and positive comments until a slew of ELC staff posted telling me to get a grip and that 'girls like pink - get over it'. Interesting times ;)

    ReplyDelete

Blog Widget by LinkWithin