8 March 2013

I Didn't Say Goodbye



The last couple of weeks have been a bit difficult.

I am trying not to dwell on how seriously ill I was, but I am struggling to process my thoughts. I went from thinking I had flu, to collapsing and going to A&E via ambulance. I then spent a further five days in hospital, in quite a bad way. I've been home since Saturday and am still pretty poorly.

I guess I am in shock that my life, and that of my family, could change so quickly.

I'm only 43. I had pneumonia, sepsis and pleurisy. My blood pressure dropped to below 60/30. I had hallucinations. I cried with pain, then was in too much pain to cry. I was given morphine every day in hospital. I still haven't slept properly. I've had consultants leaning over me telling me I'm seriously ill. One A&E doctor got very excited over my blood test results and chest x-ray - she'd never seen anything like them. It's all been rather surreal.

I've watched my mum worry that she was going to lose another child. I've watched my husband age. I've put on a brave face and smiled at my boys. I held on tight to them when I got home.

The worst part was realising that I hadn't said goodbye to my children. I was quite out of it as I left the house with the paramedics, but I thought if I didn't say goodbye then I would have to come back to them. Later, when I felt worse, I panicked. My babies could be left without a mummy and I hadn't said goodbye, or told them I loved them. I hadn't written them letters, kissed them or held their hands. I couldn't remember what they looked like.

Now I am home. I think I'm out of the woods, but I'm not certain. We have a great deal of support from family, friends and neighbours. When people have offered help, they've meant it. The NHS have been excellent, I was surprised by the high standard of care at Milton Keynes hospital - from staff at all levels. I've even had a home visit from my GP.

My four year old, Cash, said he'd put a wish on the wishing tree at school. He said he wished his mummy would get better. I'm doing my best, darling boy.



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36 comments:

  1. I'm so glad you are home. I can imagine it is very scary and I'm glad you can give your boys a hug and write those letters

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    1. @Dawn, I'm so glad to be home. Thank you for all your help with the pain relief techniques.

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  2. So sorry to hear that you've been ill Sandy but great that you're out of hospital now and hopefully on the mend. Hopefully there will be something positive to draw on out of this experience but in the mean time just get plenty of rest and take care of yourself.

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    1. @Joanne, thank you. I'll definitely be concentrating on my health from now on. I'll also be catching up on a few box sets - making the most of the enforced rest (every cloud...).

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  3. So glad you're home and on the way to recovery. Sending you positive thoughts and big booby cuddle x

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    1. @Kate, thank you, much appreciated :)

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  4. Oh my goodness, very sorry to hear how ill you have been, how terrifying for all of you. I think it always the thought of your children that makes these things even worse. I hope you are on the mend, take care. x

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    1. @Solveig, yes, it was pretty scary. I do feel a bit better today. I hope you are all well x

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  5. Glad to hear you're home, terrifying definitely the word for it. Rest and recuperate. Hugs.

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    1. @liveotherwise, it is scary how quickly life can change. Thanks for the hugs :)

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  6. I was thinking of you last night - M was in Penwortham Youth Music Festival last night at St Leonard's around the corner from your old house!

    I really hope you continue to get better. It definitely sounds very scary.

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    1. @Kate, that's where the 5yo went to nursery for two terms before we moved. I hope M got on okay. I'll let you know when we're next up - may be some time.

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  7. Oh dear Sandy, I am so sorry to hear this! I very pleased to hear you are back home. Take lots of rest and let all your boys look after you xxx

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    1. @PerfectlyHappyMum, I'm getting complete rest, thanks. All my boys are being a fantastic help x

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  8. Good grief, you've been through the mill. Your post brought tears to my eyes, because you're right - things could change for anyone of us at a moment's notice. Here's wishing you a full and speedy recovery.

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    1. @ExpatMum, yes, you never know what's round the corner. I'm hoping there are no more corners for me. I hope you're well.

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  9. Thank goodness you didn't need to say goodbye. You are here, and getting better or they wouldn't have let you home. Hug them tight x

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    1. @fivegoblogging, thank you, I am feeling a bit better today and the boys are getting lots of hugs x

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  10. Oh Sandy! I'm so glad to hear you are on the mend; but jeez, you are right...life can turn on a dime; and it never hurts to get your "I love yous" in as often as you can.

    Continue to get better and know that you have a whole legion of us thinking about you and sending you good thoughts and prayers.

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    1. @Gigi, thank you my dear, I really appreciate your thoughts and prayers. It's a bit of wake up call, being ill. It reminds you that you can't say 'I love you' too many times.

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  11. Gosh Sandy this sounds utterly awful. I'm so glad you're on the road to recovery and had such great care. Thinking of you x

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    1. @Alice, thank you. I hope you are well now. Perhaps we should have that coffee we've been talking about having... x

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  12. Oh Sandy, how awful for you and how scary. Good that you had such great care and are back home again.

    I had a scare with a heart problem three years back and have held similar thoughts to yours since; especially as my husband lost his father at a young age. I think the best thing we can do is create good memories for our children in the time we spend with them while we can.

    Hope you are feeling 100% very soon.

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    1. @WorkingMum, yes, you never know what is around the corner. You're so right about creating good memories. I don't want my children to remember me as a shouty mum, so from now on we're all going to be much calmer.

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  13. Oh Sandy, I'm so sorry you've been so ill and everything you've been through. Did you eat the horse meatballs at Ikea, is that what did it? Listen to me, your boys know how much you love them you're a wonderful Mum. Get well soon lovely lady, Jean x

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    1. @Jean, neigh! Going to Ikea isn't the same without you. Thank you, I know they know x

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  14. I have a lump in my throat because I can totally understand what you must have been thinking, makes me panic and I haven't ever had to go through anything like that. It really makes you re evaluate I think. You have been through a terrible ordeal but you need to get strong so try not to worry too much (hard I know). I am really sorry you have been through all that but I am hoping you now make a speedy recovery. Take care. XXX

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    1. @CherishedByMe, thank you, I am grateful to be out the other side. It's no bad thing to re evaluate. I'll be focussing on my health and my family from now on. You take care too x

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  15. As you know, I have been there and can totally understand what you are going through. Be kind and gentle with yourself and heal well and slowly. I am here if you need me.

    You will forever have a different perspective on life now.

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    1. @Jen, thank you. I think I have turned a corner now and am certainly a lot better than last Monday. I am prepared for my recovery to take time, I am physically unable to do anything else other than rest.

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  16. So glad you're home, so glad you're getting better

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    1. @MuddlingAlong, thank you, me too :)

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  17. Wow, what a trauma. Look after yourself.

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    1. @Iota, yes it was. I'm still trying to process it.

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  18. Oh Sandy! I had no idea! So pleased, happy and and just full of HAPPY that you're on the mend!

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    1. @Lindy, so am I! It's slow going, but I am improving every day.

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