Would you want to know if you had made someone feel unwelcome?
I know I can be crass and insensitive at times. I frequently only open my mouth to change feet. Occasionally I feel so upset and angry that I speak out, enraged by injustice or bullying. Mostly, though, I'm mild-mannered and avoid confrontation.
I think I'm pretty consistent both online and in real life. I'm sensitive, perhaps too sensitive. I take things to heart far too readily. Despite my apparent confidence, I'm a delicate little flower.
Missed opportunities eat away at me, niggling and nagging. I lay awake at night thinking of what I should have said, but didn't. I replay conversations and kick myself at the points where I made an idiot of myself, where I gushed, where I over-shared or where I filled the silence with noise.
What I struggle with, above all of this, is that I only want to be accepted or liked or part of a group. When I feel that I am on the periphery or only being tolerated or being excluded I want to curl up in a ball and disappear. When I feel uncertain about my relationship with someone, because sometimes typed words lose their meaning or because sometimes they are very clear, I want to switch off my computer and walk away and keep on walking.
I hope I've never made anyone else feel like that. If I have, would you tell me?
This post has been written as part of the Sleep is for the Weak Writing Workshop. This week I chose prompt no.4 Tell us about a time when you didn't feel welcome.