I read an article in the Guardian this morning, entitled Top Five Regrets of the Dying. It's not a new article, and I have heard the sentiments expressed before, but it has certainly made me think today.
The Five Regrets, collected from her patients by a palliative care nurse, are:
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
I can see that being true to yourself, expressing your feelings and allowing yourself to be happier are three sides to a triangle - they are all necessary. But how often do we compromise on one, or all, of these?
I am all things to all people. I act differently depending on the company and the situation. I'm a professional writer/blogger, a dutiful daughter, a loving wife, a caring mother and a good friend. I am afraid that if I expressed my real feelings all the time then my clients, mother, husband, children and friends wouldn't like or love me quite as much as they do. So how can I be true to myself?
On my old CV I had, under 'Strengths', communicates well at all levels. This is supposed to be a Good Thing, but am I not being authentic or true to myself if I modify my behaviour and speech depending on who I'm talking to? I want to fit in and please everyone, whether it's at a board meeting, in a shop or at the school gate. I sometimes wonder whether this shows weakness rather than strength of character.
If I'm not true to myself, how can I be present and honest with anyone else? I worry that I don't know how to be anything else. I haven't always done the right thing, preferring to keep the peace over standing up for myself or others. These mistakes eat away at me. There are decisions I made that I regret right now - I'm not waiting until I'm on my death bed to feel like this. I regret more of the things that I have done, than the things I haven't.
Perhaps being honest with myself here (on the fourth anniversary of starting this blog) is how I start to turn this around. Maybe I'm being unnecessarily hard on myself and my character flaws. I know I'm not a bad person, I just need to let go of the past and move forward. I want to be authentic and happy, to have strength of character. I will cherish those friendships that I still have. To do this I need to take all of this negative baggage and lose it somewhere.
Would there be anything you would regret on your death bed? What can you do now to change that?
Between drafting this post and deciding to hit publish I visited my Google Reader. One of my favourite people has written an awesome blog post that I have to share with you. Please do check out 33 Things I Have Learned by Kat at Housewife Confidential. You'll be glad you did. Promise.
.
Would there be anything you would regret on your death bed? What can you do now to change that?
Between drafting this post and deciding to hit publish I visited my Google Reader. One of my favourite people has written an awesome blog post that I have to share with you. Please do check out 33 Things I Have Learned by Kat at Housewife Confidential. You'll be glad you did. Promise.
.
Good question Sandy? What do I need to change, what would be my regret? Not sure, the first thing that come to mind if I'm honest is my weight but surely I can't allow that issue to rule my whole life. Maybe my regret would be that I did! mich x
ReplyDelete@Mich, yes, weight is a big one for me too (in every sense of the word). I wish I could be fat and happy, but that's not me x
Deleteno nor me Sandy, I have been thinking on this since.... Mich x
DeleteI remember reading this article a while back and it similarly moved me. Really thought provoking, honest post Sandy.
ReplyDeleteI think you ARE true to yourself if you're changing how you modify behaviour or speech for others as you, yourself, are talented at communicating at all levels--and modifying your communication to suit the listener is why.
I play a sort of 'game' with myself sometimes--what would the older me, the one on her deathbed, advise if she could speak to me RIGHT NOW? It's almost always to just relax, just enjoy the moment, just be me. And it'll all be ok.
xox
@Michelloui, I must start playing your 'game' with myself. Really and truly there is so much that we worry about that doesn't matter - not in the long run. Thank you for reminding me that modifying communication to suit the listener is a good thing. I was having a real wobble there x
DeleteNo wobble needed, seriously what you've described is a real skill and you are fortunate to have developed it. x
DeleteThank you :) x
DeleteGreat post, I think most of us have hats we wear in different situations, being honest is hard, but important we prioritise ourselves too and we can only do that by being honest!
ReplyDelete@Sonya, thank you. Wise words. We do wear many hats. I'm still me whichever hat I wear, that's the important thing to remember.
DeleteThank you Sandy! Can't believe shell suits didn't make that top five. Trust the dying to take it all so seriously.
ReplyDeleteHappy 4th anniversary x
@Kat, pleasure. I expect shell suits were number six x
DeleteI must admit that I constantly have moments of mini-crisis where I wonder if I am being true to myself. I don't think it helps that I change my mind like my socks!
ReplyDeleteFor me personally, I find I'm happier if I don't over-analyze my life. I secretly suspect on my death bed I end up thinking something really mundane like 'did I turn the iron off?'
Love this post Sandy x
@Mammasaurus, I completely understand the changing your mind issue, but it is allowed. Sometimes it's harder to change your mind than stick with the status quo. Unfortunately I can't help but over-analyse, I need to know WHY all the time x
DeleteI think being true to yourself goes deeper than just saying what you really feel. In fact, in situations where you know the truth might not be welcome or dealt with very well, it's the right thing not to always say it. Most people know whether or not they're being true to themselves; the ones who aren't usually don't care anyway.
ReplyDelete@Expat Mum, that's how I feel, but there does seem to be a move towards telling it like it is. This can be offensive, but for some people a lie is a lie.
DeleteBeing human, I think we will all have regrets of some sort when we realize the end is near. I don't think it's possible NOT to have some. Life is just far too short to achieve every goal, reach every aim and accomplish it all.
ReplyDeleteI think the key then is to be happy with what you have accomplished. But, that is far easier said than done.
@Gigi, yes, you're so right. We can't do everything. Finding happiness in the now is vital, but difficult to marry with goals and ambitions.
DeleteHello, after reading this amazing piece of writing i am also delighted to share my experience
ReplyDeletehere with mates.
Feel free to surf to my web page where to buy vigrx plus in philippines