I was a new mother. It was all I had ever wanted. I had a tiny baby in my arms. I was trying to feed him, but he wasn't latching on properly. I was hot and tired and stressed and worried. He looked at me, his dark eyes trying to focus on his mummy. I realised my face showed all too clearly how I felt. I wasn't smiling at my darling baby. As I forced my face into a grin, tears made their way out.
I've now been a mother for fours years and seven months. My children are amazing, they bring me joy and still I forget to smile at them.
I am tired and stressed and worried. My old back injury has flared up and I am in pain. My movements are limited. I can't pick up my boys. If I get down on the floor to play with them I struggle to get back up. I am worried about my mum's test results. I am worried about my friend who has cancer. I am worried that I have upset another friend. I am worried that whatever I say will make things worse. I just want to make things better. I never seem to have enough time to get done all that I want to do. I am easily distracted by the internet and can lose hours making sure I'm not missing anything. I'm not, but that doesn't ever stop me idly flicking between Twitter, Facebook and all my email accounts and Google Reader. My laptop is on it's last legs so I can't watch video or look at images. Even Pinterest makes my laptop to overheat and switch itself off.
Being a parent far exceeds any expectations I had about having children when I was pregnant for the first time.
But.
There had to be a but.
My goodness, it is hard work sometimes... most of the time. My children are so full of energy I can't keep up. I know they need to run around outside, but just getting them dressed, getting their teeth clean, getting their shoes and coats on sometimes takes hours. They ignore me. They don't listen to me. They fight. They crayon on walls, chairs and computer screens. Okay, they did this once and I don't think they'll do it again, but still...
This gets me down. I shout at them, my dear sweet boys. I feel completely inadequate. I feel like everyone else is a better parent.
When your four year old says 'I just want you to be happy, Mummy' and you realise you haven't been smiling at that beautiful face, that's when you fix a grin and resolve to be a better mother. Then you turn away and cry.
.
Huge hugs. I think we all feel this way at times.
ReplyDelete@Liveotherwise Thank you. Tomorrow will be a better day.
DeleteOh Sandy, I had Flea say that to me a couple of years ago - awful moment :(
ReplyDeleteBut... you're a wonderful friend and Mum and (I'm sure) daughter, and people know you only have the best intentions and those who love us forgive our mistakes (hope so anyway, or I'm buggered)
Chin up.
@Sally Gosh I hope so. I hope you're feeling better. I'm worried about you too.
DeleteWe all feel like that at times Sandy, you are not alone.
ReplyDeleteWe all want things to be absolutely perfect for our kids,to be the best parent we can, to give them the best childhoods ever. But I have realised now (my eldest is 13) that I can't be that perfect mum and actually my kids don't mind. They've seen me cry and get stressed too but that's okay as well, it's part of life as long as we do smile and have fun too . I find holiday times really stressful when we're out of routine, but it does get easier. Hang in there.
Oh and I am totally with you with the back pain. It makes everything seem worse. Hope yours clears up soon.
@Lar, you're so right about emotions being part of life. There's nothing wrong with expressing them or explaining to your children what's going on. Thank you :)
DeleteMany, many hugs. We've all been there. And the ages of your children are not easy ages. At their ages it's extremely difficult and exhausting; I remember it well. And then to throw all that other stuff on top of it? Well, of course you are overwhelmed. Take a deep breath and remember - it will be okay.
ReplyDelete@Gigi Thank you. I have been chanting "this too shall pass" :)
DeleteAwww Sandy, that made me cry. We've all been there, sometimes being a mum seems like a chore rather than a pleasure. It's all normal. You're a great mum x
ReplyDelete@notSupermum, aww, bless you. It can be a chore, but it's not that bad really. The boys have been lovely this week :) x
DeleteI have to say I feel like this quite a lot, my time with my boys is limited & I try to fit everything in that sometimes I just shout when they aren't listening and I feel like the worst mum ever. But then I spend some time with them and play with them and they give me a big hug and I hope they have forgotten that I shouted at them. Hugs, we all have off days but you have more good days with your boys than bad. xx
ReplyDelete@Susan, I guess we just focus on the bad stuff. I just realised I haven't had to shout today :) x
DeleteWow, you just made me teary eyed with this post. I can completely identify with this. It's such a hard grind at times. Most of the time. When your children say these things to you though, it suddenly makes you realise why you do it. My 3yo said to me the other day, 'I love you Mummy even when I cry' and that dissolved me.
ReplyDelete@Emily, Oh, and now I'm in tears. Of course it is all worth it. This week my boys keep telling me they love me, it's the loveliest thing ever :) x
DeleteOh Sandy- the tears sprang to my eyes when I read this. I can only reiterate what others have said: it happens to us all, and whilst that doesn't make it any easier to bear, at least the knowledge that you are not alone and are loved and supported might lessen the pain.
ReplyDeleteGutted not to be seeing you this weekend because I could give you a real hug x
@DomesticGoddesque, I don't think I'd realised that it was that common. It does help enormously to know I'm not alone. Fingers crossed we can get together soon x
DeleteYour post really struck a chord.
ReplyDeleteHave you been to GP to see about medication - it works wonders you know. From experience I understand exactly what you're saying - I've a 5 and 3 year old and it's so hard. Meds can help shift the worry x
@Rebecca, thank you. I'm getting the back sorted first. I'm hoping once that is fixed everything will be easier x
DeleteJust wanted to send huge hugs and let you know that you are in no way alone. I try and keep most of my sadness away from Piran but sometimes it is good for them to see that we are sad and that it is okay, that we all have emotions. Piran says to me "I'm a bit sad Mummy" and it breaks my heart but it is better than bottling it all up inside.
ReplyDelete@Kelly, oh bless him. It is better to get it out. Cash has started saying that he's cross. I have no idea where he got that from... er...! Thank you for the hugs x
DeleteSending hugs - it is hard, incredibly hard and even worse if you aren't right yourself
ReplyDeleteTake care and I hope you feel better soon xxx
@Muddling, thank you. I can usually get through it with a smile, but not when I'm ill. Hopefully I'll be on the mend soon x
DeleteOh Sandy, just by writing this post you are demonstrating how much you appreciate motherhood and your wonderful boys, even if you don't smile at them like a deranged fool 24/7 they know that you love them.
ReplyDeleteAnd your friend and Mum know that you're worrying about them too, although I'm sure they wouldn't want you to make yourself unwell as a result (I suspect your back injury flare-up might well be a result of all this stress) and as much as you might worry about them their health issues are out of your hands.
I think the 21st century has a lot to answer for trying to make women be all things to all people, being a mum is like being a ringmaster at a circus full of mental patients, if they're not fighting each other they're making dirty protests all over your appliances!
Massive hugs from the Rocksteady Crew. x
@Rocksteady Crew, I am a worrier. My mum is okay though, so that's one less thing to stress about.
Delete"being a mum is like being a ringmaster at a circus full of mental patients, if they're not fighting each other they're making dirty protests all over your appliances!"
Best comment ever!
Thank you for making me smile x
This post definitely hits a nerve, was busy scrubbing the crayon off the walls just the other day. We are all short and snappy with our kids and how we just can't control them when we need to, just need to have a break. We are all imperfect parents, but that doesn't make us any less as mothers (or humans) because we love deeply and we try our best. Your writing shines, Ms Calico. Keep on xoxo.
ReplyDeleteBabes, we still haven't got all of the crayon off. You're so right. We just keep going and keep doing our best. Thank you for the lovely comment :) x
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