I keep seeing the quote 'friends for a reason, friends for a season or friends or life' recently.
I quite like it and particularly the 'friends for a season' part. I used to get upset when I realised I'd lost touch with certain friends. I was surprised that people who I had connected with and shared my life with, either at school or at work, seemed to go quiet on me. Once we no longer had that everyday proximity we drifted apart.
Now I understand that we can't be lifelong friends with everyone we connect with. It takes too much time and energy, particularly once you have children. I'm glad I shared a season with these people, I'm also happy I have a handful of lifelong friends.
Plan B wrote a wonderful post on making new friends recently, I would urge you to take a look, but do come back. The comments are excellent too, full of wise words and advice.
I make new friends in two ways now, online and via my children. They are very different types of friendship.
This became particularly apparent last week. It was the last week of term. We had been to nursery every day for six weeks and the boys were tired. They love nursery, but they needed a break and a rest. Consequently it was hard getting them to put their boots, coats, gloves and hats on and out of the door. When I say it was hard, I mean I had turned into a screaming banshee. There are only so many times you can ask a child to put their coat on and keep it on before you lose your rag. I hate to admit it, but the tedium of this daily battle had me in tears of despair.
When I got back from dropping the boys off, I went on Twitter. I started chatting to @kateab and mentioned I was having a hard time. Before long @pantswithnames and @vwallop were also chatting about the school run. We were all relieved that it wasn't just us and we discussed possible reward chart ideas. I love that my blogging friends are on the same wavelength and that they are there for me, even if we haven't yet met in real life.
Contrast this with the Other Mothers I know from nursery. We are sizing each other up at the moment. Who do we get on with? Do we have anything in common other than our children? Will our children all get into the school attached to the nursery? Will we be friends for life? Will Presley marry Lola? (Okay, that's probably just me being daft).
We have started meeting at each other's houses for play dates. This is going well. We are getting know each other over coffee and our children are learning to share their toys (some better than others, but that's another story).
I shared my frustrations with them, admitting to despairing at how hard it is to get a 4 year old and a 3 year old out of the door to go to nursery. They looked at me like I'd just done a poo on their Ikea rug (I hadn't). They looked at me with a mixture of pity and contempt. None of them admitted they shared my problem. Instead they offered advice like put their clothes out the night before and start getting ready earlier. Well, DUH!
I mentioned this contrast to my (very wise) mother-in-law and I think she got it spot on when she said that bloggers were used to sharing and the Other Mothers were used to saving face. I hope the Other Mothers do let their guards down soon. Perhaps I'll be brave and suggest a night out. Maybe the perfect parent masks may slip over a bottle or two of wine. I hope so.
Interesting. Can't imagine being brave enough to share challenges with Real People . As you know I tell everything online!
ReplyDeleteThe Moiderer, I suppose there's no right or wrong. It's what you feel comfortable doing.
DeleteReally interesting post. I am very lucky actually in that I have some very good mummy friends in the real life. We've known each other since our children were tiny and we do talk openly about any troubles we've been having with our little ones. There's always someone able to offer advice or if not it's just nice to know that you're not the only one facing a particular problem. To be honest I think the past three years would have been a lot harder without them and I feel so incradibly grateful to have such a great group of friends.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Hating the term "Mummy" friends as were not just "mummies" we do go out without the children of an evening and act like grown ups too!
Photopuddle, we've moved around the country a bit recently so my new friends are the ones I've made since September, so it is early days. I hope we'll become a group of friends like you have.
DeleteI think your Mother-in-law nailed it. The online folks are used to sharing and the real ones? Well, unfortunately, a lot of them are used to being judged - so they tend to put on that happy face. I can tell you for a fact, that their children aren't perfect little drones that put on their shoes and coats the first time they are asked.
ReplyDeleteAs for where you are right now - this too shall pass. Hugs.
Gigi, the mummy mantra - this too shall pass! Thank you. We will be introducing a reward chart next week!
DeleteAn interesting post... I have a strange twist as one of my oldest friends is also a blogger on Twitter so the paths cross x
ReplyDeleteBloggomy, that's lovely though. I think the difference for me is that we only moved here last year and I haven't shared my blog with any of my new friends yet! x
DeleteThank you for the plug - and for the post, which I think puts it all rather better than I did!
ReplyDeleteIt is interesting isn't it? I think we forget that friendships change as we, and our needs and interests, change. But any change is hard and this one seems to be particularly tricky.
I think your nursery mums are rubbish though! I promise, in real life or otherwise, never to pretend this mothering malarkey isn't bl00dy hard sometimes! But then maybe that's because I'm a blogger!
Plan B, I thought you put it rather well. Yes, we change and friendships change too. A lot of people have said that once your children go to school you will make a lot of friends at the school gate and that seems to be the case. For us it is early days and hopefully we will soon get to the stage where we can all be open enough to admit that it is hard. I think wine may be required!
DeleteGreat post. It's also a useful way of looking at things so that you keep an open mind and don't write off the nursery mums straight away.
ReplyDeleteI've actually made some of my best offline 'mum' friends by being upfront and honest about whatever struggles/madness is going on with me and the kids at the time. I think parenting makes you quite frank in other respects, really have to cut through the crap (it's all those butts we wipe) - so hang in there, I'm sure you'll all be swapping woes and funny tales soon too.
Babes about Town, you're right, it is too early to write them off. The more we meet up, the more the barriers will come down - I hope!
DeleteI love this post and totally agree with so much of it. I have a few very close RL friends but so many of can't be honest about their mothering lives in particular and that drives me mad. I love the internet, it's the only place that I feel normal. even when I tweeted that making milk makes me hot and sweaty there was someone to agree with me. Think it was that @vwallop woman ;)
ReplyDeleteEmily, I love the internet for that reason too. I think, as bloggers, we have a lot in common and we like sharing. Making milk made me hot and sweaty too! x
DeleteFab Sandy. It took me ages to realise that special friends weren't necessarily friends for life. I've just about come to terms with the fact that the friend who was my best woman at my wedding has totally vanished from my life but it is a hard life lesson. Another friend reappeared recently which was lovely and reminded me that everyone has those busy times when certain people are more connected to them than others and that that too changes.
ReplyDeleteMy on line friends have been a revelation to me (I was very late to the game) and I think it works because we all have time to think a bit before we speak (not always, obviously, which is why the delete button is useful). We can suss each other out by watching interractions with others, we can read each other's blogs. Twitter has been a fantastic source of support for me, as my chidlren get older there aren't so many play dates and people go back to work, it can get very lonely.