Job Description

Job Title:

Mother

Hours:

7am to 7pm seven days a week (if you’re lucky). Occasional (frequent) nights. On-call every night.

Pay:

[This section has deliberately been left blank].

Holiday:

You may be granted the odd night out if you can find a reliable babysitter that you trust implicitly, otherwise time off is not permitted.

Sickness:

Generally you are not permitted to be ill. Sickies can not be taken unless you have prior agreement from your partner that they will drive the night before and you can have a drink and a bit of a lie-in the following day.

Uniform:

Pyjamas may be worn, although if venturing out of the house try to change into any maternity clothes that still fit and pick sick off your shoulder. Brush hair weekly. What’s lipstick?

Skills required:

Cooking, cleaning, washing, bathing, tidying, chauffeuring, precision pushchair pushing, nappy changing, nail clipping, teeth cleaning, teething gel dispensing, administering Calpol, phoning NHS direct, replacing socks every five minutes, putting books back in bookcase as required (could be up to twenty times a day), cuddling, comforting, carrying, teddy finding, reading, doing funny voices, tidying, patience of a saint, stepping on lego without swearing, singing, dancing, tickling, puppetry, drawing, pulling faces, general entertaining, teaching and mind reading.

Benefits:

Spending time with the most amazing, incredible human beings imaginable, your children. Smiles, giggles, kisses and cuddles.

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