17 May 2012

Caught Between a Rock and a Hard Place





I'm on a swing. I go forward and I go back, forward and back. In perpetual motion.

I have a bad back. It hurts, so I take painkillers. I feel queer, so I stop taking them. My back hurts, so I take painkillers.

Forward and back, forward and back.

At no point can I jump off the swing and feel like myself again. I either feel detached, disconnected and fuzzy or I feel excruciating pain. There's no middle ground. No balance.

I'm tired, but I can't relax. I rarely sit down. I can't get comfortable in bed. All I can do is walk, keep moving. Walking helps. I walk around the house in the morning to loosen up. I walk around the bedroom at night, reading my book.

I try to keep on top of the cooking and the washing and the cleaning, but it's not easy. Andy is helping where he can. I've been out a few times. We even went on holiday last week. It took me a tearful hour get out of the car one afternoon as the muscles in my back went into spasm and I couldn't move.

The hardest thing is not being able to take care of my children. Luckily they can feed themselves, dress themselves and entertain themselves. But I can't get down on the floor and play with them. I can't push them on the swings. I can't pick them up when they fall.

I can't pick them up.

Sorry this is so 'woe is me', but I'm fed up. I thought I'd be better by now. I see a physiotherapist tomorrow.

I've had enough of the swings. I want to get off.


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15 comments:

  1. Oh bless! I hope your appointment goes well tomorrow. Maybe you can find a pain medication with less fuzzy side effects!

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    1. @Kat, thanks, so do I. I may weep on the physio's shoulder!

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  2. Good luck with your appointment tomorrow. I feel for you, back pain is horrible - I also have a bad back, but I don't have constant pain like you. xx

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    1. @notSupermum, thank you. Mine has been niggling for a while, but it's been really bad for about a month. I really need to get it sorted. x

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  3. Try an osteopath, I've had back trouble for nine years since my second pregnancy and when it flares up it usually takes one or two sessions to get it much much better. I was never v impressed with the physio tbh. It is expensive but worth it to get mobile again. Being in pain is miserable. Big hugs.

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    1. @Abby, I've seen an osteopath before and she helped me. I went to someone else this time and he couldn't help :( It is a slightly different problem than in the past I think. I'm trying the prescription painkillers and the physio this week. I've also been recommended a local chiropractor, but I'll see how I get on with the physio first. You never know... Thanks for the hugs x

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  4. I'm sorry you are in so much pain! I hope they can clear it up for you soon.

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    1. Gigi, thanks lovely. Fingers crossed I'm on the mend now x

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  5. oh sweetie I hope you feel better soon. Fingers crossed the physio will sort you out.

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    1. Lindy, the physio was excellent and told me I would get better. Working on that now :)

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  6. Thank you for all your comments.

    So it appears I have a slipped disc. The physio was very helpful. I'm now bombarding my back with co-codamol, walking, exercises, heat, massage, all the bad swears (when I'm alone) and Dawn's cog-hyp script. It will get better.

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  7. So sorry to read this. Hope the physio was helpful. Things will get better, and I hope they do so quickly for you xxx

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    1. Growing my Family Tree, thank you. The physio was great. x

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  8. I am living this blog post.

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    1. Jen, I know. Rubbish, isn't it?! x

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